Currently Listening Fallen By Evanescence see related

Hello sweet death that feels like eternal sleep

Hello

By Evanescence

Playground school bell rings - again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't - believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

All thats left of me, is the pieces you gave me.

And at night I stopped crying because whats behind my big brown eyes

are all the things you'll never understand

~Love Always

Bianca

EMO- tional

So that guy taht I had met. Tim? He makes me think. He makes me realize what this world has come to. These are my thoughts about him.

He is the typical Chris. Not the guy at church chris, the Chris from california. The one I fell for and never told him. The one who broke my heart. Eh... he wasnt the first one to mishandle my heart. Well Tim is a lot like him. Except Tim is worse. He thinks just screwing girls is okay, just because he wants to feel that connection with someone again. But my theory is that you should wait until marriage to get the kinda of connection with anyone. He knows this. He calls me naive for it. I call it being safe. after all the mistakes I have made, thats one mistake i dont wantt o have to make and regret it like everyone else. I dont want to be a pregnant teen, or to be some stupid statistic. He is so used to defending his lifestyle that it makes me sense to defend it anymore if he claims its okay. Why should he care what anyone else thinks? He is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. Ive been there. And he wants to change so badly. He's so lost. I have never seen someone without as much direction as him. He puts his ambitions into piano (cause he's that talented) and his school work. I can understand that. He's a true genius. gets straight a's, top 10th percenticle in his class. He has so much going to him, and he has made a vow to not drink again and to no touch drugs, but he doesnt know why he's doing it. He says he's doing it because it was screwing up his life. BUt for some reason I dont believe that. I beleive something else happened that he wont tell anyone about. I believe there is more to him than anyone has dared go. He believes there's a God, and a Jesus. he cant explain why or even defend his view, he just does. Am I the one to save him? No. May God use me to save him? Yes he may. He thinks Im too innocent to understand him, even though he knows what Ive been through. But what I call the Chris syndrome has taken another young mans life, his purity, and his soul away. Because I fell for Chris, I couldnt save him. But with Tim... I havent fallen for him. And I dont plan to. But what I do plan to do is be the example that Christ wants me to be. So that maybe if he see's my faith, my purity, my heart, then maybe he will be persuaded to rethink his own actions, and rethink who he is. Now im sure he thinks he's figured it all out. Im sure he thinks that he's all grown up. But he is far from it. Unless youv'e been so broken and so lost, theres no way God can work through you. Only through a broken and contrite heart can God truly work through you. HA. contrite. i dont even know what that means. He sees it as the world is no fun anymore, with no parties, no friends cause they party. he sees it as the end of his life. But in reality, its just the begining. He could get any girl he wanted. he would have a date every night of the week. he could get laid till next year and possibly the year after that. He doesnt have to worry about money, or grades. he's been blessed abundantly, and doesnt know how to praise or thank the Man that gave it to him. But I praise and thank that Man, but for a different reason. For brining him into my life. God has to work through him somehow. His life must be so valuable for the enemy to make him fall like that. And for him to try to change is an even greater feat. I know what climbing from the pits of hell feels like. Its this long trecherous climb on a steep incline that doesnt seem to end. You have people trying to pull you back down. Words hitting you like rocks falling from heaven, or so it seems. And even single inch seems to take an eternity, but you get there. You get out. Its possible, hard but possible. It causes a lot of scars and a lot of breaking skin, buts its so worth it. Ya he will think he's fallen sometimes. Yes hes going to want to give up. But i think thats why God put me in his life. Im not even going to go into details about how we met, but lets just say he's not my type. He's never really been in love. He doesnt even know what it means. I think God is changing my heart, in seeing his change. Please pray... i know I wont waver, because ive been through it before.

Its funny though how I can understand someone through the tiniest things. This song on his myspace. Its called The priest and the matador by Senses Fail

Here I lie
Staring at
Clouds and ahapes
Of dogs and cats
I hear a woman
Start to yell
"Oh dear God, I think he fell"

I'm the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down

A priest is rushing
To my side,
Begins to read me
My last rites
Father you're too late
My faith is weak
So won't you save your
half-hearted speech

I'm the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down

A man bends down and says,
"Son, we're gonna get through this one
take my hand and let us pray..."
I scream, "Please get the fuck away"

I'm the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down

The ambulance is singing
As cops push back the crowd
I start to take my last breath,
As blood pours out my mouth
The medics walking my way
I think this could be it
I hear them start to state
The time of death is half past six

I'm the arrow,
Shot straight to hell [x2]

Anyone gotta gun? cause thats what this song makes me feel like.

~Love Always

Bianca

Boy's

So I so totally am OVER steve....

I got my revenge. Now I want to turn on the jealousy button.

I kinda met a guy. his name is TIM and he's really hott right? Well Tim really likes me, and I know it.

Im going to ask Steve to go check out his myspace and tell me what he thinks about him so I can get steve's "APPROVAL!"

HA!. thats a load of crap. I just want to look taken to steve... like he missed out on something great. And knowing me, im going to make it burn like acid rain.

Plus... Kevin's still majorly pissed at me, Jason has cancer... and I wouldnt use him for any kind of revenge, The one guy at school I even THINK about is intrested in someone else (that kinda stung...) and steve is gone gone gone. but he still calls me, and acts like we are BFF's. Idiot. Thats what his name is on my cell phone. IDIOT. Oh and Josh, my best friend? ya he moved me down on his top eight, so im going to call him tonight and ask him what the deal is.

I WANT LIPSTICK.

~Love Always

Bianca

PICK UP LINES

Do you have a map? Because i think I just got lost in your eyes

Um let me check your tag. Yep just like I thought. Made in Heaven.

I lost my teddy bear, will you sleep with me?

You look like an angel. Welcome to earth.

Is your name Gillete? Cause your the best a man can get.

Any of these would work on me... im such a dork!

~Love Always

Bianca

Wrong day, Right feeling

Today was the saddest day I have had in a long time. I mean I laughed but it doesnt mean i was neccissarily happy. I dont know anymore. I wish life were more stable I guess. At least I felt stable today. But it was only because of what I did last night. It calms me, really. I can just breathe afterwards. I can continue to handle things. even though it isnt medication, and it isnt therapy or blogging, its something that helps. And thats what matters right?

Love is too unpredictable. I have made it my life goal to be able to understand the human heart, and yet it still doesnt make sense to me. Its like a torando. We see the signs that it may be coming, but we never really KNOW until it hits us and lifts our little mobile homes and sets it down somewhere else.

GOD I WISH HE WAS HERE TONIGHT!

~Love Always

Bianca

:edit:

So... DRAMA tongiht baby.

I have offically had 4 ex gf's of my guy friends come after me.

THIS IS CRAZY!

Steve called me again.

And I talked to Kevin again.

And... oh crap.

Steve is acting like nothing is wrong, and the more i push him away the more he will push towards me.

Kevin is the unknown.. but he is really great. and I like him a lot. Go figure biotch!

MY ONLY FEAR IS THAT ONE DAY I MAY HAVE TO CHOOSE!

~Love Always

Bianca